Rollin’ On

Tags

epiphany, The Big Thing, workout

“Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light.”

I saw the above on the tag of a tea bag — it’s like Fortune Teabag (instead of Fortune Cookie). I don’t aspire to “spread the light” and “be the light” (I have nothing but tons of self-awareness), but I can try my best to “travel light” and “live light.” Yesterday was a roller-coaster ride that started rough but ended relatively well. This aphorism is probably a message from the Universe reminding me that I should shed some of the heaviness of heart and soul.

I was in a foul mood early morning. I didn’t sleep well. In fact, I haven’t been sleeping well for the past weeks. I stayed up late every night, had multiple dreams full of angst and high drama (even though I have no recollection of the plot), and then woke up tired and dreading the day. I had to work on Saturday so Sunday was my time to catch up with chores. Got a letter from the insurance company with incorrect billing, which quickly annoyed me because it meant making phone calls Monday. Then I had to do some major paper work (a gazillion copies to make and forms to fill in) for some personal matter, and I discovered a mistake which meant I had to go to the same office, for the 4th time within the last 4 months (2 of the trips were due to their clerical error)! This “major paperwork” is probably one of the most important things I have to do in my life so far; it’s something I’ve waited for for the past 9 years (and I am not convinced that it really deserves 9 of my prime years, even though I don’t know any other way). And yet, I won’t get the result for at least another six months. It’s aggravating.

Sorry to be vague, but it’s too hard to explain. Let’s just say that the sleep deprivation, the incompetence I had to deal with, the stress of work, and this “personal matter” of enormous importance, were weighing me down like some screwed-up gravity. I just lost it. I stared at the form that I was planning to work on, and tears just tumbled out of my eyes. I felt so utterly alone in this world. I wanted to kick something, curse at someone, just do something totally out of character.

I didn’t. Ever the rational one. I pushed away the stacks of paper, changed, and headed for the gym. I swam for an hour, came home for a quick shower to get rid of the chlorine, changed and hit the gym, again. This time it was Zumba class. I went there for the first time on Friday, and was utterly thrilled. I am not a dancer. In fact, all these Latin-inspired moves, head-bobbing, shoulder-shaking, chest-pumping, and bootie-shaking, are just “so not my thing.” Or so I thought. I was too shy, too uncoordinated, or too tight-assed, to even dance, let alone “shake it like a Polaroid picture.” And yet, I love it. Even though my moves were ridiculously stiff, even though I was about a beat behind most people in the class and moved the wrong arms or legs, I enjoyed every minute of it. The swim soothed me (the healing power of water can’t be understood until you try it yourself), and Zumba lifted my spirits.

By late afternoon, I felt significantly better. No more tears or emotional outburst (or repression, for that matter). Just calmer and more patient.

Then I went grocery shopping and bought the tea. I saw the sentence on the tea bag that seems to have been written for me.

I told myself that it shall pass, that all shall pass.

And in the meanwhile, get your body moving!

Moving, etc.

Tags

apartment, change, epiphany, moving

It’s been almost a week since I moved but I still don’t feel completely settled in, partly because my new place still needs some odds and ends (a rug here, a corner chair there), and partly because I haven’t explored the neighborhood at all.

Without boring you with the details of the move, let’s talk numbers, shall we? Here are the stats:

• My “stuff”: 14 boxes (11 big ones, 3 medium ones), 3 suitcases, half a dozen bags, an assortment of furniture. Wow, is this the “essence” of my existence at this point in time?
• Time: 3 nights and a day of packing and notifying dozens of parties of address change, 1.5 days unpacking.
• Physical cost: numerous cuts and cracks in my hands due to all the packing & unpacking.
• Money: Almost 3 hours of “mover time”, over $300 mover expenses.
• Unexpected: $40+ of automobile insurance increase (according to GEICO, my new neighborhood is more “dangerous” than my old one, traffic-wise).
• Unexpected: $3 less for renter’s insurance.
• Cleaning: took me 4.5 hours to clean up my old apartment. It was spotless, except for certain areas (I will NEVER EVER use mounting tapes or any tapes on the wall again – you can never remove them when the time comes). I wonder how much money I will get back, if any, from my security deposit.

In a nutshell, total exhaustion by Sunday night. Then I was hit with an unpleasant revelation: the awkward location of my neighborhood. This is a real, if anything, quite famous, neighborhood so imagine my surprise at finding out that there are no quality grocery stores in it! It’s a 12 minute drive either north or south to different neighborhoods if you need to visit regular grocery stores. There is a Safeway a few blocks away from the building, but it’s so pathetic (run down, food only) I will never go there again. Oh, even the closest public library branch is in another neighborhood, to which I have to make some scary left turns across a busy road without stoplights. The closest park (a block away) is a small unfenced dog park (poo alert!). A relatively bigger park 5 minutes (of driving) away doesn’t have trails (only paved paths). The only park that is remotely similar to Forest Park is 10 minutes away (in another neighborhood, of course). There are no gyms nearby for the long rainy months; the closest place to work out is a community center that charges $43 per month (I was paying $29.99 for LA Fitness in my old neighborhood). It really dawned on me that “I am in the ‘burb now” when I was in the community center — I have never seen so many kids in one  place in my entire life! I’d been spoiled by living for 4.5 years in my old neighborhood, in which everything (shopping, library, parks, even work) is within easy walking or short driving distance. In the new place, everything essential is at least 10 minutes away so I have to plan my trips very carefully to avoid wasted trips (and gas). No more impulse run to Trader Joe’s! No more going out the door and starting running. I guess I should have known and done my research, but as I said, I was desperate, and at that time, 10 minutes doesn’t sound like a huge amount of time. But it adds up. Sigh…

The new pad, thankfully, makes up for the suckiness of the location. It’s BEAUTIFUL. I can’t tell you how much I relish basking in the bright warm morning sunshine that pours through the big windows into both my living room and bedroom, how much I enjoy gazing out the same windows into some lovely trees (and not so lovely, but at least distant, traffic), and how I treasure a mold-free and actually well-insulated apartment (I’d have loved it even more if it were in the middle of winter, as my old apartment is often freezing despite the heater running 24/7). It’s not perfect. I can hear a fair amount of traffic noise since the building is quite close to a state highway. But unlike The Noise, it doesn’t irritate me much as it’s steady and faint (although I have developed an active loathing for muscle cars with loud engines and motorcycles). My neighbors haven’t been too annoying, so far (keeping my fingers crossed). I haven’t heard anything from my next door neighbors, but definitely can hear my upstairs neighbor.

So, I am not exactly having buyer’s (or rather, renter’s) remorse: I do love my new apartment but I am pretty sure that this is not the neighborhood I will stay in in the long run. I might become more fond of it as I begin to explore and discover things in the area, but again, if I eventually decide to stay in Portland, I will buy a condo or small house in the next year or so, either in NW or NE. If I move, however, now that’s a whole new story…

Anyway, my biggest “epiphany” out of this whole experience is that things work out eventually, if not in an ideal way. There will be complications and problems, imperfections and regrets, but if you really put your mind to it and  have enough resolve and patience, The Universe will give you a chance. Now if only I could muster the same courage for a bigger change. Looking for work is not the same as finding a place to live — it’s much more challenging. I am still ambivalent about the prospect of a sure pay cut and decrease of quality of life. I know, however, that if I want it badly enough, I can pull it off. I just wish that I didn’t have to do all these alone, but I know that’s probably just my fate.

Exercise & Epiphany

Tags

epiphany, life's curveballs, workout

I woke up in the morning, every muscle in my body sore. No, I didn’t run 10 miles yesterday — these days I can barely pull 2 miles on the treadmill. I went to a group exercise class last night. I have been getting bored with the “treadmill + elliptical” routine, and spinning has temporarily fallen out of favor (timing — the good instructors teach early classes, too many people — I have to be there at least 20 minutes in advance to get a bike, music too loud — why is it always cranked up to rock concert volume?). Since I have been feeling tired lately, which leads to a lackluster workout, I decided to give the group classes a try. Well, it KICKED MY ASS! It’s called Body Works Plus Abs — a mix of step and ab workouts with dumbbells. Scrambling to keep up with the instructor and my “classmates” (all female!), I felt my thighs burning and legs quivering, and thought, oh boy, it’s going to hurt tomorrow. Oh, how it hurts! It feels like the first time I finished an 8-mile trail run. Jolts of blissful pain (this is the “good” kind of soreness) radiate from my quadriceps (or in sports lingo, “quads”) whenever I take a step. Despite sucking in air and making faces (esp. when I go downstairs), I am so thrilled about how effective the workout is that I went to another class (Mat Pilates, not nearly as intense) today. In fact, I think I will sample all the group classes that work for my schedule in the next few weeks. I just wish the gym could offer more “dance” classes, like Zumba.

(TV) Life, death, and the ever after

Tags

epiphany, quotes, TV

Finally caught up on LOST and Grey’s Anatomy. Both finales are incredibly moving (brought tears to my eyes multiple times), but I am a bit disappointed by LOST. I like how everybody got to reunite with people they loved and thought had lost, but I don’t care for the “twist” all that much (Limbo? Finally letting go and going to Heaven Equivalent? Hmmm…). Still, we audience get what we want: a perfect ending with closure, never mind the sloppy loose ends that I had stopped trying to figure out a long time ago.

Nice quote from Grey’s Anatomy:

Ask most people what they want out of life; the answer is simple- to be happy. Maybe it’s this expectation, though, the wanting to be happy, that keeps us from getting there. Maybe the more we try and will ourselves into states of bliss, the more confused we get, to the point where we don’t recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling trying like hell to be the happy people we wish we were. Until eventually it hits us, it’s been there all along. Not in our dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Tags

books, dating, epiphany, love, marriage, relationships, self-help

This is one of the best relationship books I have ever read. It’s not just another self-help manual. It’s a confessional, a portrait, and a reality check. It’s unrelentingly hilarious (even the most painful accounts are amusing in a sad way, thanks to the wonderful writing of Lori Gottlieb), unabashedly honest, disturbingly (but eye-openingly) realistic, and profoundly insightful.

She is, essentially, ME, despite the fact that she is older, have a child, Jewish, and has much more dating experience than I do (I often regret that I started out way too late and have the dating mentality/attitude/expectation of a 16-year-old…) We share the same delusions, assumptions, neuroses, frustrations and predicaments. I finished this 300-page book within a single (no pun intended) weekend (any free time – after household chores, lunch with friend, a 4-mile run, and an 18-mile bike ride – was devoted to it). It was a sobering experience. I am going to recommend the book to all my 30-something single, looking and miserable girlfriends. They are going to see so much of themselves in it, just as I did. And hopefully, we can hear the wake-up call and really start to make conscious changes and wiser choices (it’ll be hard, but not impossible).

The only quibbles:

London is the Best City in America

Tags

books, chick lit, epiphany, love, relationships

London is the Best City in America is one of the best, and possibly, heaviest, “chick lit” I have read in a while. Actually, it’s not even a real “chick lit” kind of story, as the girl is not a City Girl with a successful PR (or some other equally fashionable) career, a passion for shopping (or some other equally expensive hobbies), and a lot of sass (Emmy is awkward and sensitive). It’s a sparkling debut: beautifully written, unflinchingly honest, observant, introspective, and with just the right blend of melancholy, humor, warmth, and hope. It’s a compelling read that will keep you turning the page till the wee hours and guessing till the end. The author has such a gentle and empathic voice that you are instantly drawn into her world from the first sentence, laugh/smile/cry with the characters, and most importantly, think.  

summary, a long one

Tags

books, car, epiphany, fitness, health, Millennials, Music, Portland, running, weather

Got tickets for two shows in April: Jackie Greene and Vienna Teng. I already know that the JG show is gonna be a lot of fun, since his Giving Up the Ghost has been on heavy rotation since I got a copy from a friend , and I enjoyed most of the stuff from his back catalog (specifically, American Myth). Not sure about VT, as her new album is not nearly as immediate and accessible as her previous three, but now that I am listening for the 5th time, I think it’s definitely growing on me.

Trail running: the Weather Genie has been exceptionally generous the past few days – it rained at night and then cleared up the next day. The trillium is now in full bloom everywhere in the woods. I marveled at the perfect triangular structure of the flowers, and even the leaves. The air is fragrant, the road leading to the park is covered by a riot of blossoms. Spring is indeed in full swing. 

• Wed: 5 miles (stitches at mile 3 so walked the remaining 2 miles)
• Thu: 6 miles (PERFECT, almost continuous run, with only a few brief moments to tighten the shoe laces) 
• Fri: 4 miles (a challenging uphill run till the turnaround point)
• Sat/tomorrow: want to do +6.5 miles on LED (depends on the weather, or maybe I should start being a real Portlander by running in the rain)

Being outside like this makes me almost loathe the gym. Still need to decide whether to “freeze” (and if so, for how long) or just cancel the account for the summer.